Satirical Essay on Drinking Alcohol

Ah, alcohol! What an amazing potion, a real gift from heaven. What life would be without alcohol? Boring and senseless waste of time! But luckily for us, we have alcohol. Just imagine the fantastic taste, that unforgettable smell, the mesmerizing hangover. What can be better than that? Alcohol is everywhere, so someday you are bound to try it.

And if you become one of the chosen few adepts of the Great Church of Alcohol, a wonderful life of addiction awaits you. You can’t imagine how great that life is. Every day you will have a lot of free time that you can spend whichever you like because most likely you will lose your job. The adepts of the Great Church of Alcohol don’t spend their valuable time for work. It’s below their superior level of consciousness. They have a much more important thing to do – which is drinking all day long. Alcoholism can possibly make for tight funds. In order to proceed on this difficult path, you need to find some rich alcoholic friends who will support your noble habit.

In case you want to try something completely unearthly, try to drive while being drunk. You can’t imagine how exciting the driving can get if you have blurred vision. The reality seems to run away from you, but you’re chasing it, and everything moves so fast that you think you’re in a time accelerator. Another cool thing that can happen to you is cops catching you while you drink and drive. They will send you to jail and lock you up. It’s like a free motel! See, drinking and driving is rewarded by the free accommodation. How cool is that? But that’s not all. If you decide to get away from the cops, you will get into the unforgettable adventure which will most likely end up with confiscation of all your stash and beer money. Options don’t end here! Drinking and driving can lead you to death which is a totally unforgettable experience. Before you have only heard stories about the tunnel and distant light, but now you can have a first-hand experience. Isn’t it fascinating?

One of the greatest advantages of being an alcoholic is that girls will adore you. They just can’t imagine their live without:

• that unforgettable breath
• the glossy red-hot eyes
• the perfect speech of a true gentleman
• unique drunk moves

The list doesn’t end here because alcohol brings words of wisdom. Upon waking up in the morning, you’ll surely be very proud and content with the things you said last night. Be sure that everyone with whom you spoke will also remember your poetic speeches full of wisdom and insight.

Can you see how many benefits the adepts of the Great Church of Alcohol have? Knowing these benefits, I can’t understand why anyone would hesitate to start drinking. Being an alcoholic is so exciting; it’s simply one of the best things that you can do with your life.

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Go ahead and drink for your own well-being since alcohol is just awesome!